Characteristics of healthy relationships: Learnings from a Penticton family and couples therapist

Melanie is trained in Gottman couples counselling (levels 1 and 2), emotion-focused family therapy, and emotionally-focused therapy for couples and individuals. She is available for in-person sessions at her office in Penticton, BC. Sessions are also available virtually for BC residents.

Some of you might be saying, "why do I need relationships?--I have been hurt, traumatized, and disappointed by multiple people." The struggle is exacerbated when those we've been hurt by are family members, trusted adults, or other people who are placed in positions of trust.

The thing is, as humans we have an innate desire for relationships because we are deeply social creatures — our brains and bodies are wired for connection. Belonging to a group can mean survival. Having individuals to share thoughts, feeling, and experiences with can help regulate our emotions, whereas loneliness can bring health risks. Being part of a like-minded group can offer a sense of identity and meaning. People can offer practical support and encouragement when we are hit with life's challenges. Laughter, shared goals, and creating memories together can offer richness and warmth.

That being said, many relationships are unhealthy and less than helpful. A healthy relationship can be difficult to define or recognize, particularly when an individual has witnessed less than ideal relationships, whether that be through childhood experiences, or intimate partner relationships.

According to Dr. John Gottman https://www.gottman.com/— one of the most well-known relationship researchers — a healthy relationship isn’t about never fighting or always agreeing. In healthy relationships, two people can connect, repair, and grow together. Here are the main features Gottman’s research highlights:

1. A strong foundation of friendship

• The individuals know each other’s inner worlds: hopes, fears, preferences, and stories.

• They express fondness and admiration regularly.

2. More positive than negative interactions

• Gottman found that healthy couples maintain roughly a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict.

• Positives include humor, affection, empathy, and appreciation.

3. Gentle communication

• Disagreements start softly, not with criticism or blame.

• People use “I” statements and focus on the issue, not the person.

4. Turning toward each other

• Partners notice and respond to each other’s “bids” for attention, affection, or support (e.g., answering when your partner says, “Look at this!”).

5. Healthy conflict management

• Conflict is inevitable, but healthy couples can talk about it without contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.

• They try to understand each other’s perspective, even when disagreeing.

6. Repair and recovery

• When things get tense, they make repair attempts — a joke, a touch, a sincere apology — and the other person accepts them.

7. Shared meaning

• They build a life together with shared values, rituals, and goals, while respecting each other’s individuality.

8. Trust and commitment

• Trust is built through consistent honesty, reliability, and care.

• Both are committed to each other’s well-being and to the relationship’s future.

Here are Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse —

Behaviors that predict relationship breakdown — along with the healthier alternatives he recommends:

1. Criticism → Use Gentle Start-Up

• Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character (“You’re so selfish”) instead of addressing a specific behavior.

• Healthy alternative: Use I-statements to express your feelings and needs without blame.

  • Example: Instead of “You never listen,” say, “I feel unheard when I’m talking.”

2. Contempt → Build a Culture of Appreciation

• Contempt: Speaking with superiority, name-calling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking — it’s the biggest predictor of relationship breakdown.

• Healthy alternative: Create a list of positive adjectives that describe the other person. What are they doing right/well? Regularly express respect, gratitude, and admiration for each other.

3. Defensiveness → Take Responsibility

• Defensiveness: Denying responsibility, making excuses, or counter-attacking.

• Healthy alternative: Even if you only agree with part of what’s said, own that part.

  • Example: Instead of “It’s not my fault,” say, “You’re right, It was important that I check in earlier to tell you I was running late.”

4. Stonewalling → Self-Soothing and Re-engaging

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation to avoid conflict (often due to feeling overwhelmed).

• Healthy alternative: Ask for a break to calm down, then return to the conversation.

  • Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take 20 minutes and then come back to this?” When you take that break, do something enjoyable/soothing that does not involve ruminating on the conflict.

The Takeaway:

The presence of conflict isn’t the problem — it’s how you navigate it that determines the relationship’s health.

These research-based ideas can be used in relationship with family members, friends, and intimate relationships.

If you'd like to schedule a couples or family session, please click the link below labeled "book here."

Alternatively, if you'd prefer to start with a free 10-minute consultation, please email melanie@onejourneycounselling.com

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